Eurovision Wrong Contest

The FA Cup Final is today, but I am naturally more interested in the Gay FA Cup Final, namely Eurovision, which kicks off at 8pm tonight.

There’s lots of chatter about the UK’s entry this year. After several years of lacklustre performances, earning few points from either the jury or televote, the BBC has changed direction. This year, the UK has gone with an innovative, risky strategy of entering a decent song with a likeable performer. It seems to have paid off, as Space Man is actually being talked about as a possible winner. Sam Ryder immediately piqued my interest in his song by releasing a lyric video based on teletext, albeit fake teletext that was just unrealistic enough to annoy me.

But I don’t want to talk about the front-runners. No, I am far more interested in the poor artists who poured their heart and soul into their song and performance, only to get perfunctorily booted out at the semi-final stage. Let’s take a moment to acknowledge the performances that failed to get through because Europeans apparently wanted a load of tedious ballads instead.

Reddi – The Show – Denmark

For the second year in a row, Denmark wuz robbed. In 2021, their disco bop Øve Os På Hinanden lost out at the semis. This year Reddi’s energetic pop-rock also failed to make an impact.

LPS – Disko – LIVE – Slovenia

LPS formed in the music room of their school in 2018. Most teenage bands break up after doing two gigs down at the village hall, but they managed to get all the way to Eurovision. Sadly, a catchy tune wasn’t enough, and they failed to make it through. LPS stands for Last Pizza Slice, apparently.

Circus Mircus – Lock Me In – Georgia

“Sonically unique,” says the Eurovision site. They’re not wrong. People who don’t watch Eurovision think all songs at Eurovision are like this. Despite that, Steampunk Willy Wonka and friends failed to get through, perhaps because Subwoolfer is the designated ridiculous act this year.

Citi Zēni – Eat Your Salad – Latvia

Citi Zēni were forced to censor some of their naughty lyrics for the contest, but cleverly worked around that by getting the audience to sing them instead. Take that, 9pm watershed!

Achille Lauro – Stripper – San Marino

San Marino heard that Eurovision is popular with gay men and decided to respond to that by recreating the ambience of a Berlin sex club – men in cages, a glittery cowboy outfit and some hot man-on-man action (well, a kiss). Perhaps it failed to qualify because it didn’t go down too well with the more conservative countries. Unsurprisingly, I liked it.

I will be tweeting about Eurovision over on my Twitter account, so either follow me, or mute me, at 8pm Saturday. Please don’t try to vote if you are watching on demand.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.